Power of Praise and Pussy
"All men want is PRAISE and PUSSY. This motivates every action in their life," A male Leadership Coach admitted to one of his students. I was not privy to the conversation. It came to me by way of a friend who was on the receiving end of that wisdom. When I first heard it, I laughed. Then it triggered a memory, which became a turning point in my life.
I had to face a sobering truth of why I attract some men - but couldn't keep them interested. No, ya 'shasties', it's not because I share pussy with everyone who asks or doesn't, but rather I'm generous with praise.
If I see you doing good things and it is above average, I won't hesitate to sing your praises. That's just me. I do it for everyone men and women alike. Giving praise is like watering plants; it is like giving flowers to the living. I believe exceptional actions deserve praise and I give it generously.
I realize now this may have prohibited me from having honest relationships with the black men I've encountered before and after my divorce.
I imagined I must have been a rare find for some black men. Especially since I've heard some Black women reserve their praise for "Gwawd" (hear: Jimmy Swaggart) and not a man. I don't know. I can't say for certain. I'm a woman who is black/African descent, which is not to be confused with the stereotypical "black woman".
I would attract men like bears to honeycombs but they would always end up with the woman who they say treat them like "flies on shit". So from that one innocent retelling and a few other occurrences last week - I had an "ah-ha" moment that caused me to rethink my actions. As much as it is normal for me to give praises, I realize what is normal in my environment i.e., "my comfort zone" doesn't necessarily translate well outside of it.
Living in a comfort zone is powerfully attractive when it comes to intimate relationships. Even if you know in your heart, you are only "partially happy" or content with "80/20" theory, most will NOT trade it for the alternative - walking alone.
I've concluded, even as I am nearing the end of my journey, I rather continue happily "Han Solo" than to partner up with anyone who is not "him". To continue to do so would mean I don't believe "Heaven is where the future is made." And to add, it was quite arrogant of me to reside in the 5th dimension all those years continuously going back to the future to re-write my present. I'm an author but I must remember to listen to the story in my heart - and not edit my history with my brain.
Wait, I'm getting so far ahead of myself. I have to back up. Prior to marriage, I dated across the ethnic/cultural lines. My parents taught me there is only one race in the human species and I believed them right up until I went college. They didn't think it was important to raise me with racism at my foundation. My mother said there were important things they wanted to teach me instead.
Therefore, marrying someone of European descent was a non-issue for me.
Although to hear my mother tell it - it would have been a issue for my father - who, she later told me, had quite a few racist beliefs.
Still I have a hard time believing my dad held racist beliefs. The man who had my dad's back until his death is of Italian descent.
I don't try explain life's conundrums. I just write about them.
Once I ended my marriage, however, all I wanted to date were black men. Of course that didn't stop me from dating white men. However I wanted to break out of my comfort zone. Yes, you read right, white men are in my comfort zone. I had not realized it t but besides my dad, my early mentors were men of European descent.
From my observation, praise is the norm for white men of a certain economic class doing exceptional work. In fact, I imagine they would think they needed to try even harder if they didn't get it.
It might be my bias, though. Some of those early mentors I spoke of worked mostly as scientists, financiers and teachers. They were always on the verge of that next big breakthrough and their love of research, learning and teaching was contagious. Later on in life, I gathered from the men I would later meet, what they wanted from me (besides pussy) was my insight. It was as if I could help them see what they couldn't due to some 'shortcoming' real or imagined they possessed.
They listened and never ridiculed my pondering. It was as if what I spoke of existed in our collective reality or soon would. They would share their information to advance or collaborate on the unseen or unproven.
The dad I remember was a lot like those men too. Except he went from a boy who had very few worldly possession to a man who would spin the world on his fingertip. He really lived his life despite death nipping at his heels from the time he was born.
If I had to compare the two ethnic groups, I would say white men and my dad burn hot on the surface and black men have a smoldering heat. One is no better than the other is, just different. The difference is however quite glaring and it hinges one thing: acceptance. Not necessarily of acceptance of one's self because that comes with maturity - but rather acceptance of love and adoration from those outside of you. white men, possibly because of their position in society, embrace praise as if it is their birthright. When they don't - it is because someone beat it out of them early on..
With black men it seems the opposite is true. Someone, namely society, beat it out of them early on and it takes a lifetime for them to learn how to accept praise. For many, the closest they come to accepting praise is if it resembles what they believe is respect as in wearing the crown as king of their 'castle', The less they contribute to society - the more important to them their mate see them as 'head of the household' even if they are not the breadwinner.
They shun admiration, yet they are attracted to praise. Unfortunately praise is not consistent within their comfort zone. And while it may be a motivator, often times some black men will reject the praise and the one who is lavishing them with it.
Dare I say if the Leadership Coach is right, once you throw "praise" out of the equation, the only motivator left is ..
pussy? All of a sudden I hear George Clinton's "Atomic dog" playing in the background.
pussy? All of a sudden I hear George Clinton's "Atomic dog" playing in the background. Hmm, on second thought, I'll continue to embrace and share my gift of praise. I know now stepping outside of my comfort zone means taking on the challenges and experiences of new environment fearlessly while being me and not conforming to anyone's standards.
In other words, I could stay in my comfort zone but there would be no growth. Growth happens if you stay free of the confines of someone else's self-made schism.
~Mel
Posted by Mel at 4/13/2011 5:09 PM 
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Lighten up Parents Racism Relationships Sex
Categories: Relationships
Tags: Lighten up Parents Racism Relationships Sex
I find it extremely presumptuous to espouse that Men have only two motivators. Pussy and Praise, neither of which address’s the essence of man’s true identity. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. When we are our most altruistic or fearful, there is usually no female around to offer Pussy or Praise. However, it is in the serenity of these moments that we recognize what genuine motivation is and where it originates.
The author is articulate and gifted in spinning her yarn nevertheless, she is manipulative in her effort to usurp man’s “will” and place it in the hands, ooops, I meant to say, place it affectively in the Pussy and Praise of a woman. I say no thank you.
Pussy and Praise are enjoyable benefits of an enjoyable woman’s company; however, they are not reasons for a Man to get out of bed every morning or any morning.
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Leon,
I wasn't my observation but a man's observation on men.
I think the pivotal phrase in your comment is "no female around" Yes, I agree when we are alone that is when we find out our truth - unfortunately when we return to the world our battle of "self" continues.
Thank you so much for your comment. I did not see it until today.
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